he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Randomize
