I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Randomize
