She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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