i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
