Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
