I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
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