I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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