wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
