Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
