I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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