If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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