Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
