I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
