so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
