I saw his package. It spoke to me.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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