he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
