dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
