I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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