Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
