Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
