you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
