when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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