Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
