Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
