dude i'm inner monologue high
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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