I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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