Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
