its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
