yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
