I accidentally had phone sex last night
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
