At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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