Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
