I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
