There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
