last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
