News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
