I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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