shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
