i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Randomize
