Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
