i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
