I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
