Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
