Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
