now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
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