he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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