I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
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