Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Damn victory sex feels great
Randomize
