he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
