My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
